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Last year I wrote a hard post about my biological father being homeless. It is interesting how many people I surprised. I think we often forget when we meet people as adults in surburbia PTA that people have stories behind them. I think we are so quick to form someone whole identity from seeing them in their mini-van driving, middle class living life that how they got there never is asked.
Today I am asking it because of a conversation on my facebook wall. It was prompted by the sharing of this link by someone I really respect:
(Source: CNN/WANE)
I started to wonder how the kid got to this stage? Forget what you think of the sign and ask what the backstory is here? Is this the moms first attempt at ‘fixing’ the problem herself? What makes a kid at 14 start selling drugs? Where is the parental responsibilty in that? It was suggested that I had a black and white thinking that bad kids are a result of bad parenting. I actually don’t think that. The truth is I don’t believe there are ‘bad kids’. I believe there are kids (and parents) that make “bad” choices, even long spiraling series of choices in some cases. It was suggested it was easier to make bad choices when you grow up poor. But I don’t really think that is the case either. I know kids from really wealthy families that have made some really bad choices and I know kids from really poor neighborhoods that make bad choices.I would say it is pretty equal in my life’s experience.
I grew up POOR. We lived in a house with a duplex in front on 17th Ave & Van Buren. If you know the Phoenix area, your jaw probably just dropped. It is ‘the hood’. Then we moved to the much better neighborhood of Central and Indian School (yeah, not really) When I didn’t go into the restaurant at 5 in the morning, I rode the city bus into school that picked up and dropped off in front of the liquor store (starting when I was 7, alone). Then in highschool my life completely changed. Yes, I still lived in the not so great part of town. But I went to a private all girls Catholic school. And guess what? Some of those ‘rich girls’ were more ‘messed up’ then the kids from my block. Some of their parents were more absent than if they had been working 60 hour weeks.
I am ALL up in my kids business. To the point you could (and they do) call me a stalker. So do their friends. My kids friends parents know if they want to know what is going on, I am the one to ask. I have outed more kids and more plans than they care to admit. And honestly, I hope they will thank me for it someday. Other parents ask how I know some of the stuff. I can only say its cause I listen. For whatever reason I have always been that mom kids talk to. Am I naive enough to think I know EVERYTHING? Nope. Nor do I want to. But I can truly tell you my kids have no opportunity to be selling drugs to anyone. They just don’t have the time or the opportunity.
I didn’t either. Even though I had a lot of freedom being a ‘latchkey’ kid. My parents always knew what I was up to. They knew who the neighborhood kids were and they knew who they didn’t want me running with. They also kept me very, very busy with sports and extra curricular activities. Yeah, remember those computer classes I took during the summer or 350 days a year of swimming? I think that is difference. Drug problems (selling and use) are an issue with wealthy kids because there is very easy access to both pills and money. Drug problems are also an issue among poor kids. I personally think parental and community involvement is the big key in helping kids make better decisions.
I am a big believer that it takes a village to raise a child. I can’t tell you how thankful I am to have other parents and coaches in my kids lives that serve as another pair of eyes, another set of ears, another shoulder for them. I can’t be there all the time-even as a professional teen stalker 🙂
But I am truly asking as a conversation starter, what do you think makes that difference in the choices kids make? We all know that family who in our eyes did ‘everything right’ and had a kid who made some very bad choices. What made the difference for you? How did you get to your current life spot? How are you helping your kids not get to the spot this sign wearing teen is in? Is it luck, money, parental involvement? and honestly, at 14 do you think that wearing this sign is going to do anything or is it more a way for the mom to feel she is doing all she can?
I grew up pretty poor too, at least right after my parent’s divorced. In Arvada, a ghetto apartment, with a single-mom working night and day to support me (literally, she would get off of work, pick me up and head over to work another job). She worked her arse off. That might be where I got my work ethic and independence from. Even in elementary school and middle school I was at home alone. Took care of myself, played Barbies from sun-up to sun-down. That also might be where my desires to be home with my kids came from too. So I think you can either get the same ethics passed down to you, or they can be the opposite. But I think you have two choices – either you’re going to work hard to come out of your situation or you’re going to take the approach that someone owes you something for what you’ve been through (which I see is the lazy route). Who really knows, right?
Jenny-your work ethic blows me away! You are certainly someone who choose to work hard to come out of your situation! Love you girl!
First impression when I see the kid wearing the sign, sadness. Profound sadness. Not judging what the mom chose as ‘punishment,’ because I don’t have any back story and parenting is the least easy accomplishment I’ve ever tried to master. And I’m far from mastering it. As to the choices made, there are countless factors and I know from experience kids can get into some deep trouble whether they have an ultra involved, strict, loving, caring, educated, rich, two-parent, poor, happy, depressed, one-parent (the list is endless) household. I say we keep trying to do the best we can and don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way.
I agree Rajean. There are so many things that go into this roller coaster we call life. It is never a black and white situation. That is what I wanted to know about the story. There has to be many things that led up to this.
I grew up with parents like you. They were all up in my business and it drove me nuts at the time but I do thank them for it now. My parents had been dirt poor and we rose as my dad, highly motivated to get himself out of poverty, took on more and more responsibility at work and was rewarded for doing so. Very middle middle.
When I first became a parent, I took a Love & Logic class and thought that would be a terrific way to raise kids, helping them to see connections between actions and consequences.
But it turns out that no matter how great the parenting, some kids just have a really hard time understanding and caring about those connections.
So now I am less judgmental than I once was about other parents and the choices their kids make. And I am a little anxious about the limited time I have to help my children “get” those connections before the consequences are all theirs and all big.
Wish me luck.
Wow. So much to say about this article. I grew up as one of five kids, but my parents took in foster children and ultimately adopted five others, so I ended up one of ten. These kids had seen it all. Some went to bed with guns to their heads. Others were forced to drink from the toilet. You’d think that would lead to one mean adult. It didn’t always. Both of my parents had horrible examples of parents to learn from, but they did. And they taught us that good parents don’t always equal good kids and good kids don’t always equal good parents. We can guide our children down the right path, and try to lead by example, but ultimately they make their own choices. Some good. Some bad. I have to hope the bad ones are small enough for them to figure out how to fix. It’s tough standing back and watching. But I suppose that being there through it all is what defines a “good” parent, at least to me. Thanks for giving me something to think about tonight.
I read this post 5 minutes after I got off the phone with my Mom who is distraught that she is still dealing with her adults son’s addiction and …well…. over all issues…. so I apologize if this is comment ends up being a novel. I will try to keep it short.
My brother has struggled with addiction- in a middle class community- since the age of 13- AND he went to a catholic school at the time. Like you, my Mother has always been the Mom everyone talked to. She was “cool” but secretly feared because she didn’t take crap from anyone and was always calling us out. She has stellar detective skills that amaze me til this day. This involvement and close relationship seemed to work for 3 of us, but my brother was a different case.
My mother tried typical “grounding”, finding him extra circular activities, part time jobs, she’s brought him to more counselors than I can count & like that sign-mom she tried tough love– he was completely unfazed. She even moved to a “better” area- thinking it was his circle of friends. But as we found, “trouble” will always find “trouble” no matter where you are and his problems only escalated.
Today he is 22 and out of 4 of us ranging in age from 16-30( iiissh 😉 ) all raised the same way… he is the only one who ended up on the wrong path. As a parent that fact scares me because as much as I want to believe my staying on top of my kids, involved in their lives, will keep them off this horrible road my brother is still traveling- I think that sometimes the problem is deeper out of the parents control.
So while I don’t know that the sign on that boy is going to be effective, I do not fault the mother & can totally see (and feel) the sad, and desperate spot she is coming from, just trying to do all she can to save her son.
and clearly I meant “extracurricular” not extra circular lol
I think some bad choices kids make are due to physical issues, such as depression or OCD or other hormonal imbalances.
But as to your overall question – I believe children are born with their personalities, core strengths and weaknesses, and potential pitfalls intact. As parents, we can provide an environment to help guide them toward using their strengths positively, but I believe ultimately our influence is limited. Probably more limited than we care to admit frankly.
For example a child can be born with a strong will. Parenting may help determine if that turns into bullheaded and seeking out conflict or determined and focused. But parenting won’t be able to turn that kid into a person with a wishy washy personality. Does that make sense?
I personally believe that the concept of “idle minds are the devil’s playground” holds very true for kids. Keeping kids engaged, interested, and active is key to helping them stay on the right track. I also think their circle of friends has a huge influence.
But at the end of the day, it is each individual’s responsibility and choice to decide what paths they are going to take. Whether overcoming odds, or failing despite having every advantage, it is up to the individual.
Heck, why do kids even need parents again? 🙂
WOW.. I have so much in common with Barb and Jenny… I grew up a latch key kid in a trailer park on East Colfax… rode the city bus or hitch hiked everywhere. yada yada and had NO rules really nor supervision but went the route of goody two shoes vs the drugs sex and rock n roll that was everywhere in the 70’s-80’s in that part of town. I sometimes think that since I didn’t really have a “net” with a Mom that worked long hours and wasn’t much on the supervision department and a dead beat dad who never paid child support or could even be bothered to send a Birthday or Christmas card to me… I kind of raised myself. Possibly it was my addiction to “Little House on the Prairie” I still have a crush on Michael Landon that made me want to be Laura Ingalls instead of Madonna… at any rate… I really think kids are who they are from the womb. You can hope to influence them but there are no guarantee’s and kids who are raised by the same parents in the same house can end up totally opposite like my two did.
My kids are by all accounts good kids, but they’re young and have plenty of time to make mistakes. And so I’m available. I know their teachers and friends. Etc, etc, etc. But anything can happen at any time and so I knock on wood, only half jokingly, and hope for the best.
I think all the usual….listening, talking, being the ‘Koolaid’ Mom- the house where all the kids go to hang out….all of these are important.
But I think sometimes we forget that our kids need something in their lives that make them feel good about themselves, for my 16 year old son it is wrestling. Wrestling makes him work hard, keep his nose clean, and feel proud of himself.
I’ve got one for whom Drama and plays accomplished that goal, another football and basketball, another her flute. It’s not so much what it is, just THAT it is.